Confronting expectations, growing new desires – (Reblog of What Ancient Sources Say About Godspousery

Though I don’t agree with all of Thenea’s conclusions on certain matters, she’s done some noteworthy work on many subjects including apotheosis. More than that, I find much of her writing thought-provoking in its directness; as a writer who frequently struggles to get to the point, I can appreciate this on several levels.

This particular post really cuts to the heart of a certain matter close to my heart, specifically the nature of divine marriage and what this relationship dynamic is supposed to look like – or what we as individual humans expect this relationship dynamic to look like.

If there’s one bit of wisdom that I might share with other godspouses and similar creatures, I’d recommend leaving your expectations of what marriage, partnership, and relationship look like at home because you won’t be needing them where you’re going.

Like most everyone else in my culture, marriage is as much a public declaration of commitment as it is the formalizing of a relationship between the concerned parties. It’s something you do for yourself *and* for other people, to one degree or another. People who enter marriage relationships with Powers often *want* some kind of celebration, formal acknowledgement, symbol of commitment – anything, really. We want these things because it’s our cultural norm, because it’s in all the stories, and really, why shouldn’t we want these things for ourselves?

For a long time I wanted something – some kind of party or ritual or ceremony. I was always a little jealous of people whose circumstances were such that something like that could take place. Eventually I stopped wanting this because my desire wasn’t going to actually change anything. And then if I got it, then what? What would actually change? What would be different? Hopefully nothing would change because if it did, that would mean that my relationship was somehow incomplete or lacking otherwise. That wasn’t a conclusion I was comfortable with. This desire was eventually shelved. I don’t want it anymore. It might be nice, I suppose, but I’m less winsome and carefree these days and I feel like it’d be kind of…..less than it should be in some regard.

But it’s my expectations that I want to talk about. I had a pretty clear idea of what marriage looked like: there was a party involved, right? Some kind of promises? Some kind of jewelry? Even other godspouses I knew had most of those things.

By my calculation I’ve been married ten years as of earlier this summer. By His, we’ve been married twelve. That’s because He marks our relationship differently. I recall Him using the term “shacking up” to describe the beginning of a marriage. I told Him He was being very silly. There was an image of us moving into our very own cave like a couple of badgers.

So I relate a lot to what Thenea talks about in this post, about marriage looking different from different angles, especially when Powers are part of the mix. I relate a lot to the story of Psyche and Her big empty house full of voices. I relate to Semele being challenged to produce proof.

There is proof, you understand. The proof is just not for other people. The proof is for Semele. The proof is for me. The proof is, perhaps, for you as well.

My personal favorite apotheosis narrative (if I may call it that) is the story of Andal. I’ve written a bit about Her before. Here’s a lovely little video showing pictures of Her worship; the song is a wedding song. Even though Andal is married and has always been married, every year (I believe) the incident of Her marriage is celebrated specifically. People know this song today. People will be singing it for many years to come, I imagine. Andal’s human name (Godkai/Kodhai) is still spoken. If proof is required of Her blessed relationship (and there is not!), this is good enough for me.

(I’ll post lyrics/translation in the comments.)

Thenea's avatarMagick From Scratch

I got what I needed out of the Dionysiaca, in terms of the narrative of Semele’s apotheosis. However, as I was studying that text, I found myself resisting the urge to expound on the important themes in this text surrounding the idea of marriage between humans and deities.

I think it’s important to understand the author, a little, and to get some context. Nonnus is a relative late-comer, as a contributor to the Greek Mythos. He begins writing his Dionysiaca shortly after the death of the last Pagan Emperor of Rome, and was extremely learned in both Traditional Hellenic and Christian theology. His other great work which survives is his “Metabole kata Ioannou” or paraphrase of the Book of John (One of the Four Gospels).

Living in the era he lived in, knowing what he knew, he could not but be aware of the contrast between the two faiths…

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Weekend book binding progress

This weekend has been mostly taken up with book binding. Here’s what I’ve been up to.

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The premium red book cloth is cut into strips. I did the math and this stuff works out to about $1 / inch. I work carefully because I can’t afford to waste any.

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Here you can see the red book cloth forming the visible spine of the books. The inner portion of the spine is reinforced with some plain weave cloth which is firmly attached to the text block.

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This is the decorative paper used to wrap the cover boards. This forms the visible cover of the book; the plain brown boards can’t be seen.

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Here’s what the covers look like when the decorative paper is added.

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Decorative paper makes a big difference!

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Ten cover boards are complete; ten still need decorative paper.

I’m taking a break for a couple hours because I need to do some work in order to meet my deadline in the morning, though I’ll probably get another few cover boards completed before bed. My glue brush is seriously diminished; half the bristles have broken or fallen out. I’ll need to get a new brush or two before I tackle building all these text blocks.

Book making weekend!

IMG_20150814_145338The cover boards have all been cut – that’s forty individual boards – and now they’re getting marked for binding and text block placement. This morning’s book making session ended with cutting the final few pieces of moire-texture book cloth. This is what will cover the spine of the books. It has a lustrous appearance that you can’t really see in the picture.

The rest of the day will be spent gluing book cloth to the cover boards, then covering the cover boards with the decorative black and gold paper. I’m not sure if I’ll finish the stack of 20 today but that’s my goal.

This weekend I’ll also be sitting down with the finalized manuscript copy and making a few minor changes to the format. Once that’s done, the final printing can take place. That probably won’t happen for another four or five days at least, but I’m on top of it.

Once the manuscript is finalized, I’m going to contact the print designer who I’m working with to produce the open edition. I won’t know anything about this until I meet with him, though I’ll keep you updated on what I learn.

Alright, break’s over – back to marking and gluing cover boards. I’ll share some more pictures throughout the weekend as things get a little more interesting. I can’t wait to see the pile of finished covers; they’re gonna look so good. 🙂

Loki statue for sale

Alright – last night’s Loki statue turned out quite nicely and I’m confident enough in it overall to list it for saleloki2This figure is made from a neutral brown polymer clay with gold clay details. She is just shy of 5 inches tall (about 4 7/8 inches or 12.5 cm).

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She’s tipped so She can look up at you. 🙂

This figure can be easily adorned with small crowns, necklaces, or shawls. She’d make an excellent addition to any altar dedicated to Loki or any space you’d like to prepare for Loki’s feminine aspect to settle.

Feminine Loki – the next step

I’ve talked a little bit about working with Loki’s feminine aspect – Her aspect as a feminine being as distinct from masculine Loki in drag or masculine Loki being fabulous or gender-bent. Lady Loki (as Heather Freysdottir refers to Her) has been the primary form and persona I’ve interacted with for going on two years. It’s been a surprising and illuminating journey.

Her presence in my life was firmly cemented after a complex ritual working involving some other Powers but She wasn’t new at that point, just less seen. In these initial months She was nearly always a sketchy, nervous creature that lived alone in a cave. Over time, Her personality expanded to a full, sparkling brightness with a weight of lust that sat heavily on the tongue. She is always, perfectly, Loki – but strange and new at the same time.

Following my psychic death experience many years ago, my first and possibly hardest task was the let go of all expectations and assumptions regarding my relationship with Loki. Everything I expected, hoped for, assumed, anticipated, or looked forward to had to be dumped entirely in order to embrace Loki’s fundamentally dynamic nature (and my own, but that would come somewhat later). I had to be willing to fully love every aspect Loki displayed, every form of interaction, every potential outcome, every relationship configuration, every period of drought or saturation. I had to learn to hold Him very loosely. (I am not always great at this last part.)

Her arrival could not have happened without me getting lots of practice simply accepting what She had to share without projecting unwarranted desires or assumptions onto our interactions. Perhaps this emotional space allowed Her to grow exactly as She wished to. I humbly suspect that I was able to provide Her with as ideal a stage for growth as She might find. Giving Her a space to become firmly situated in this world has been a stunning honor and pleasure.

The Powers are infectious and some more than others. She’s been busy. A year ago I hadn’t encountered but a few slight, passing references to Her in people’s lives. Now She is emerging into many spaces through many minds and hearts. I wrote a piece about Her for inclusion in an anthology on Loki (which hasn’t been published yet; no word on release date). I talked about Her at PantheaCon. I brought Her to Many Gods West. She has a prominent place in Worshiping Loki, so people will soon start to encounter Her that way. She is expanding.

Now comes the next step.

I’ve been working on a few clay sculptures of my Beloved.

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It’s pretty clear I don’t work in polymer clay very often. I prefer stoneware and occasionally ceramic. Each one is a little better than the last.

The one on the far left, in front of the icon, will be offered for sale pretty soon. It stands about 5.5″ high and features an abstract sprig of mistletoe on the skirt and a necklace after the Viking style. Lady Loki really likes necklaces with big, bright jewels and bold designs. The choice of a Viking style necklace is also a nod to the way She appeared for a long time – in a blue and white apron dress with little black slippers.

I’m going to keep making a few more of these figures. Not sure how many or really even for what purpose. If one sells I’ll put another up for sale. Past that I’m not sure. All I know is that making the icons is the next step in this work. It’s very exciting.

Contamination

Here’s one of those things I don’t talk much about: I am a psychic contaminant.

This little feature of my make-up isn’t my fault in the sense that I didn’t do anything deliberate to make myself this way. I woke up like this (no, really; I did). Nonetheless, it is an important part of what makes me tick, energetically and spiritually speaking.

Being a psychic contaminant has some particular effects on how I interact with the world, especially in spiritual, magickal, and religious circles. On a purely physical level I simply have to take precautions not to get my blood on things; other fluids are also treated with caution to a varying degree. Hair is less of a problem and so far I haven’t noticed any contamination leaking on to the things I make for other people (so you’re still safe to buy things from me! The books are dangerous in their own right, but that’s just because they’re books. You understand).

Being a psychic contaminant means that I am deliberately careful about situations that have anything to do with energy work, deeper spiritual operations, magickal workings, and so forth. Even worship-oriented rituals can be a problem. With a very few exceptions, the people running the ritual simply can’t give informed consent to the impact that I will potentially have on their work and on the aftermath. The only ethical solution is for me not to participate. This limits things like membership and participation in most magickal and spiritual groups, as well as things like simply showing up and doing ritual and magick with other people.

(That said, I nearly never *wish* to do these things with people unless I happen to know them fairly well and feel comfortable with the way they work. A friend of mine says she’d rather fuck a room full of strangers before doing ritual with them and I can’t say that I feel dissimilarly. Ritual – for worship or magick – is a very intimate, very sacred space for me. My emotions rise up fast and hard and I have experiences in ritual that I simply don’t wish to share with strangers. I desire emotional privacy; I especially desire emotional privacy with my gods are concerned. I feel entitled to this privacy and I believe that others are entitled to it, too. I sometimes get a little upset at myself for *not* participating in more rituals locally or at events – shouldn’t I want to show my affection for the High Ones? Shouldn’t I want to share space with my fellow worshipers and celebrants? Well, yes; these are very special things but I have to remind myself that I would never question someone else’s dedication to the High Ones simply because they didn’t participate in some ritual or other, so why am I holding myself to a different standard? Why am I so willing to grant others the space for emotional privacy when I criticize myself for craving this? I must remind myself to be gentle, very gentle, with this sort of judgment. Moving on.)

I don’t use this contaminating characteristic to bother other people or to disrupt what they’re doing. I could, I suppose, and there might be a time when such a thing would be justified, but I prefer problem solving through empathy, compassion, and forgiveness first. Nonetheless, this isn’t something that I can control – or if I can, I don’t really know how to. Avoidance is my best solution. And no, shielding and wards don’t seem to have any effect on this characteristic, either.

See, I do very occasionally participate in various rituals. I attend a local Gnostic Mass semi-regularly. The Thelemic current is strong enough that it seems to mute my particular brand of contamination. The currents of well-established traditions seem a little more compatible with the level of contamination I bring; plus, in the case of Gnostic Mass, I’m not doing anything except attending as a member of the congregation.

And sometimes – well, sometimes I forget. It happens. It happens and when it does I’m always reminded that contamination is a potentially dangerous characteristic. Sometimes I think that it won’t matter. Sometimes I think, nah – I can’t possibly be that potent.

There’s no way to tell, though; you can only observe the effects and wonder about what precisely brought it all about.

It’s never my fault – not exactly. I do have to remember to be careful. I just don’t know my own strength.

Almost back to mostly normal

This whole week has been spent trying to catch up with all the sleep I lost at and prior to Many Gods West. I also gave in to the impulse to do a bit of sculpting with clay that I’ve been strenuously holding back for, um, several years. (Don’t ask why; some projects just don’t get to be done right away.) So I’ve been quite deep in little blocks of polymer clay making little figures that I might post about soon.

Instead of any deeply meaningful or nuanced post, I’ll talk a little about some of the projects on my plate.

First, I’ve submitted a proposal to present at PantheaCon 2016. I won’t know until closer to the end of the year if I’m accepted, so here’s hoping. I’m actually thinking of submitting a second proposal – yikes!

I’ve been working on an article for about 5 months that was initially intended as a submission to Witches & Pagans. I didn’t take 5 months to write; it took 3 months to think about and 2 to write. At the end I had a piece that I wasn’t too ashamed of – but it turned out not to be a good fit for the publication. However, thanks to Ms. Niven’s suggestions, the piece might just find a home in another publication. I’m working on a different submission for W&P now and this one is going much faster. You just might see a little article from me in the February edition! (Just to be clear, no submission has been accepted so I’m not making any promises.)

Of the many fruitful and engaging conversations I had at Many Gods West, a few of them provided some ideas for future writing projects. One might at some point appear on polytheist . com, which would be a real treat. Again, I can’t say anything for certain right now but I am working on something that I’m going to toss their way.

The proofread manuscript for Worshiping Loki has been returned to me, so the next step is integrating the necessary changes into the print-ready file. The stack of cover boards is growing! I’ll take some pictures when the light is a little better.

Speaking of cover boards, now that my break is over I’m going to get back to slicing. 🙂

Oh – and check out my friend Jolene’s Patreon page. Jolene writes pagan-inspired fiction that’s just lovely. Setting up a Patreon campaign was a big undertaking for her and I’m so proud that it’s a real thing now. Visit her page and consider checking out her work.

Home from Many Gods West

I finally arrived home from Many Gods West last night around 9pm, after once again getting stranded by my city’s non-existent evening bus service. Thankfully a neighbor was able to give me a lift. My cat is, to all appearances, no more excited to have me home than she is every time I come home but she is quite keen on having me close to the bed which she regards as snuggle central.

There are lots of things I could potentially write about the weekend but I’m not quite sure which I want to talk about and how I wish to talk about them. Indeed, any write-up regarding the event and my experiences are likely to occur later this month since it’s going to take a while for the effects to settle in and become obvious. That said, I did have a largely positive experience and the problems were of my own making and/or related to my own subjective experience and not to the nature or organization of the event itself.

Though I don’t personally feel myself to be a creature distinct from a big tent assemblage of pagan identities, it is a refreshing and healing experience to be in a place that prioritizes polytheist belief, practice, and experience. It is a good thing, a very good thing, to feel accepted at face value as a Loki worshiper instead of having to simply leave it out of conversation. (My experience of identifying as a Lokean has been problematic enough in the past that I find it easier to simply not bring it up under most circumstances.)

I treated my attendance much like a business trip, because in many ways it was. This is part of my job as a writer (and part of my job as a spirit worker). I came away with a number of new writing projects as well as a venue for one particular article I started not too long ago. I’ll fill you in on these projects as they move forward.

For the moment my attention is focused on catching up on the several hours I missed from my day job as well as the several days I missed from my freelance job. This weekend I’m making a final supply run for materials required for the hand bound copies of Worshiping Loki; I’ll also spend some time cutting the rest of the 40 cover boards and getting them ready. The pre-order was very successful and I’m very excited to move into the next stage of this project.

Final days of Worshiping Loki preorder and a flash sale!

The end of July approaches, which means that the pre-order sale of hand bound copies of Worshiping Loki: A Short Introduction is nearly over. The price will rise on August 1st. There are only six copies remaining. (Follow the link for information on how to order.)

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I know things have been really quiet around here; sorry if you’ve missed my content. Travel, even for positive things, is a big source of stress for me. Though I enjoy being other places and exploring new locations, the process of getting there and back again is a big challenge. I’m really excited to be sharing material I care about with other polytheists at Many Gods West, though the prospect of meeting new people is also a cause for some anxiety. (I’m socially awkward in that “you don’t get out of the house much?” kind of way.) Curiously enough, I’m quite happy speaking in front of people, so at least that part is a beacon of relative calm.

All this stress has made me quite self-absorbed; I’ve been very focused on my jobs and on preparing my presentation (it’s done, yay!!). I haven’t had much desire or energy to blog. I’ve not doubt that as MGW passes out of my mental radar I’ll feel more chatty here. I’m actually working on a post about discernment right now; hopefully it’ll be finished really soon.

grnblk5To thank everyone for all their support during the pre-order and the madness of conference prep, I’m doing a flash sale on my Etsy store. From now till August 3rd, you can use the coupon code ENDOFJULY15 for 10% off anything EXCEPT custom devotional books (this coupon also can’t be applied to Worshiping Loki pre-orders, as that isn’t being done through Etsy). I’ve got lots of prayer beads and deity icon necklaces available, as well as Odin and Loki devotionals. All orders will be processed on Monday and Tuesday. Tarot readings *might* be able to be done over the weekend, as I’ll have at least one deck of cards with me at MGW, though I’ll communicate with clients individually to process these orders.

I’m definitely looking forward to seeing some of you at Many Gods West this weekend. I encourage you to show me pictures of your kitties and puppies and birds and snakes. This has been a wonderfully exciting month. Not only has Worshiping Loki moved forward – I have a stack of prepared cover boards here on the table! – I’ll be working with a local Thelemite with print design skills to prepare the paper edition. I should have the edited manuscript soon so I can begin formatting the electronic versions, too. I’ve had loads of work at my freelance job, which has given me the financial power to pay down some of my medical bills and help out some friends and colleagues along the way. Traveling is always expensive but I think it’ll take me weeks to recover rather than months and that’s a major improvement.

So thanks again, everyone.

Worshiping Loki pre-order update

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Just a reminder: the pre-order period for the hand bound copies of the forthcoming Worshiping Loki: A Short Introduction closes at the end of the month! There are still a few copies left but I’m not expecting them to be around for long. If you’re interested in owning a copy of your own, I’d suggest getting on this month rather then waiting till August when the price will rise a bit.

I’ve purchased the first batch of supplies. Above you can see a fresh roll of premium Japanese bookcloth; it has a lovely silk moire-like texture and a rich berry color. The glue I use has a neutral pH, which helps preserve the quality of paper in the long term. It’s a little more expensive than standard paper glue but for a project like this, archival glue is the right tool.
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Here you can see the first stack of cut cover boards. The books I make have two primary portions, the text block and the cover assembly. Since all these books are going to be the same, I can make a stack of prepared covers ahead of time. I’ll prepare twenty cover assemblies, cover them with the decorative paper seen above, so that when the manuscript is ready and printed, all I have to do is make the text blocks. After that, each one will be put together before being signed and consecrated in a special ritual.

As stated in the pre-order post, I’m anticipating mailing the books in mid-August. Everyone who purchased a copy will be alerted when this takes place.

I’m also making progress on the general release of the book. I’m working with a print designer with an occult/pagan background, so we’re sure to get a really nice looking volume.

Other than working on the book I’m busy preparing for Many Gods West, finishing an article draft for Witches & Pagans, and might even pick up a manuscript that I’ve been neglecting. I’ve also been busy adding new items to the Etsy shop so be sure to check that out.

I expect things will keep being quiet here for a little while. Summer is a busy time for me work-wise, which is great. Unfortunately that means less time for things like blogging. You’re all in my thoughts though, and I appreciate you sticking with me.