I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard at my writing job for the past several days. This is partly because I’ve had a little spike of focus thanks to resuming my 3x weekly megadose of Vitamin D and a big spike in energy thanks to cycling neurochemistry (it sounds fun but it actually mostly isn’t) and partly because I’m seeing the positive outcomes of my budgeting efforts over the past couple months. The end of 2013 was a real financial low point for me and wiped out what little savings I had put together; Pantheacon was another financial weight that I had to recover from so I got a little more serious about budgeting. It’s helped a lot but with rent increases, various medical woes, a chronic illness cat of my very own, and now the actual legitimate need for a tablet computer to save for, it’s been a tight few months. My writing job is piecework, so the more I do, the more I earn; getting lots done when I’m feeling good is my protection against lost earnings when I can’t focus.

(I’ve also been quite busy getting the hand bound Odin devotional books out the door. Let’s not forget that. There’s another 4 on my table now!)

I had planned on  giving a little attention to each of my personal writing projects on a rotating daily schedule. That worked fine for a couple days but I couldn’t keep it up. I’ll give it a try again this week but it might be that this schedule is not a good fit for the way I work. That said, I’ve gotten a few more hundred words done on a book that I’m very slowly putting together and I’ve developed a structure for my MGW presentation and I’ve gotten a few pages of notes written to go along with it.

I’ve also got another idea for a book that I’d love to work on but – well, just look at all that stuff I’ve complained about up there. I’m only making appreciable progress on *one* of my writing projects right now, never mind that I have a few thousand words promised to an editor like 2 months ago.

I know I’m not alone in these frustrations. I hate feeling so far behind on the things that I really care about, all the things I really want to accomplish. I also don’t like how slowly I work when I do manage to get moving. I’ve really only got 2 hours of good writing time in me in one session and I typically have only manage one writing session a day; there’s just too much else that needs done.

So I’m frustrated. I’m grumpy that my energy and focus is so entirely eaten up by my writing job – don’t get me wrong, I actually really like earning a living like this but the drawback is less attention spent on my own work. I don’t really make a lot of money off my personal writing; I never have. (How much do I make? In a month I might have earned enough to buy something from a fast food dollar menu. MIGHT.)

I like writing. I like it quite a bit, actually. I like working by myself, I’m a good self-starter, I can even occasionally follow a project through to completion. It’s work I happen to actually be reasonably good at and I feel that, with practice, I can get even better. It’s still work, though. I still have to show up for it every day and put in the effort. When I see just a few hundred more words on the page and I’m out of ideas I feel like my progress is not equivalent to my effort. Shouldn’t I have a book by now? I’ve been working on Heartroad 2 for something like 5 years. I’ve got maybe 8,000 words. I don’t need another book idea; I need to finish one of the ideas I’ve already been cooking.

Ah well. Others have managed to produce under considerably more pressing circumstances than myself. I’ll finish some of these projects eventually but I’m sure to leave this life with many, many things unsaid.

The hand made Odin devotional books are now available on my Etsy store! I’m very excited to finally have these available.

I’m really pleased with how these have turned out and I’m excited to share them with other people who love and care for this very important Power.

Odin is family in no small way. I know Him best as wanderer, mage, and wild loner much more than I do as king. I celebrate His presence in my life, even if I am generally unaware of how close He is or how frequently He drops by. I’ve been blessed to know many of His people and it’s with them in mind that this is primarily offered.

   I currently have four copies available for sale; a fifth is already spoken for. When these sell out it’ll take me at least a week to make more so this is a good time to get a copy for yourself. I can also make a custom copy of the devotional with different decorative cover paper, with large print, or with the OpenDyslexia font.

To celebrate this new devotional, I’m running a giveaway on my other crafty blog. To participate, all you have to do is comment and let me know you want to be entered. The contest runs between now and Monday, May 4 2015 at 11:59 PM (Mountain Time). A random drawing for one volume will take place on Tuesday morning. Just to keep things organized, I ask that contest participants not indicate their entry here.

Thanks for being patient with my absence. Book making takes a lot of effort but I sure do love it. Thanks again, and hail Odin!

The topic of disability has been on my mind quite a bit this month and not just because several people I know have written about it in various online outlets. It’s been, in my parlance, not a great health month. This is different than a normal health month or a bad health month. It’s something in between. It speaks to both the unexpected nature of chronic health problems and the difficulty in managing the myriad expressions of those problems and negotiating the impact that those expressions have on the rest of my life.

Without going into exhausting and tedious detail, I have a grab-bag assortment of health problems are not all that unusual and some of which are co-morbid. I have chronic pain due to an advanced case of degenerative disc disorder in my cervical vertebrae; my neck x-rays show my bones curving the wrong way though it’s not terribly noticeable under normal circumstances (I tend to walk with my head and neck forward which is a habit borne of bad postures and anxiety as much as structural problems and is a habit I’m working on correcting for my self-esteem as well as my muscle tone). I also have persistent pain in my right knee due to a bad fall I took as a junior in college. I stumbled on a bit of uneven sidewalk and toppled sideways. Nothing was broken but nothing was normal after that, either. That’s why I walk with a cane sometimes.

I’ve also got some metabolic/endocrine problems that are all more or less crammed into the medical catch-all bin labeled PCOS/syndrome X/metabolic disorder/sorta kinda type 2 diabetes. (This bin is imprecisely labeled in my personal case; other people have much more clearly defined diagnoses.) After several years of not having the medication I need to control this, I’m finally back on it for the time being (it’s the $500 stuff that nearly went bad when my fridge quit – it’s back working, yay!!). That could change in a few months. This knotted mess of disorders might not seem quite as disabling as, say, chronic pain is but in its own way, it can be. (There’s also some unclearly defined mental illness that is its own knotted mess of debilitating symptoms but perhaps that’s a post for another day.)

I rather fliply commented the other day that rest is not a choice I have. I’m kind of forced into it – and this weekend I was.

A sugar crash is a frightening and debilitating experience. No matter how many of them I’ve experienced, there’s always an element of fear because I know that if I don’t fix this problem right away, everything will get much worse. They happen very fast and there’s not always much warning. Just suddenly I’m cold and dizzy and my head feels tight. I start to feel weak and disembodied; my muscles don’t want to reach or hold or grasp or clench. Pretty soon I start to tremble uncontrollably; this gets worse until it gets better. The spaced out feeling intensifies, as does the cold, tingling feeling.

A quick dose of sugar will begin to fix things but it can take up to 20 or 30 minutes before my system starts to feel recovered. Ideally this sugar should be followed with some protein or complex carbs for a slow release of nutrients.

Even though my system feels recovered I’m entirely exhausted by the occurrence. On Friday I was so worn out I couldn’t sit up. Lying in bed felt like too much work. It took something like 40 minutes just to get up the strength to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water and then I’d be back in bed for another 40+ minutes. This happened in the late morning. The rest of my day was spent more or less in bed. It didn’t matter that I had 2 jobs that needed my attention that day. Nothing was going to happen.

This is not unusual. This is generally how it is. Even if I eat all the right things at exactly the right time, some unknown factor pushes my system the wrong way and everything comes crashing down.

Rest can feel like its own kind of tyranny because once the reserves of the body and mind are exhausted, the biological mechanism itself refuses to do any more. It’s not laziness. It’s not lack of motivation. It’s not a de-incentivizing of active productivity. It’s a biological fact, the same as thirst or a bleeding cut. You can’t *not* pay attention to it after a certain point. There might be a certain wiggle room with regards to precisely how and when that fact is attended to, but it always must be. Else it will halt everything and you’ll be forced to deal with it.

As a result of this particular sugar crash I spent most of the weekend in bed. Spending a day in bed after such an event isn’t unusual but still feeling the effects 36+ hours afterward is. And like so many other disabling conditions and resource-intensive health concerns, spending several days taking care of this concern has caused the rest of my routine to get shuffled down the priority list. My apartment is not as clean as I like it to be on a Monday. Most of my dishes are in the sink. The kitchen is full of this weekend’s recycling. My meals for the next few days haven’t been cooked or prepped.

Rest is a reality whether I want it to be or not. Unfortunately, even a weekend of rest isn’t going to return me to some predictable level of high energy and ability. I might have to cope with other health issues (like a migraine that tagged itself into the game a couple times over the weekend) or I might have to toss out the priority list again for a work-related deadline that requires what energy I’ve collected.

My life is a cycle of rest and recovery. In this, I’m not different than anyone else. What is perhaps different is the disabling nature of sugar crashes and the all-consuming quality of the rest that is forced to follow. The frequency of these occurrences and their unpredictable nature also makes them rather debilitating This cycle curtails what I get to do with my time and it limits my options in many different ways.

I spent all weekend working on this post not just because I wanted to add some of my own words to the larger conversation happening about disability and the way it impacts our daily choices. I also wanted to explain why I’ve been away from the blog lately. I’ve been resting and when I recover, I have other more pressing priorities that require my energy and attention. I miss being here though, so you can feel confident that I’ll be back sooner or later.

My blog has been a bit neglected the past few weeks. I’ve been quite busy with other things and haven’t had the time or energy to give this much attention. What have I been up to?

This month I’ve spent a lot of time trying to earn the money required to attend Many Gods West. I’d like to purchase my plane ticket by the end of the month so the rates don’t spike but flying out on Sunday night adds an extra $80+. Staying an extra night with a friend and leaving Monday morning would keep the cost down but that would involve me missing some time at work; I can make that up but it’s just another thing to worry about once I get home.

I’ve also been making several books to fill orders placed for the Loki devotionals and in anticipation of vending at an art/craft fair in the next several weeks. The sales I’ve made have made an enormous difference. Even though the amount of money I’ve earned thus far is not in itself very large, it has helped me get ahead of some of my expenses so I can comfortably set aside a few dollars in anticipation of MGW. If you’re willing to take a moment to share the availability of the Loki devotionals and my other items, this would be a big help. (And really, the support you guys have shown for this little project has been wonderful. I’m very grateful.)

Oh, and if you’re in the mood to help other MGW presenters, take a look at this IndieGoGo campaign. https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/attending-many-gods-west

April has also been a bit of a not-great health month. I had to stop one of my prescriptions quite suddenly because I was experiencing persistent dizzy spells. I fell twice before finally stopping the drug. I have to seek followup care which proved to be much harder than I anticipated. So I’ve been coping with the withdrawal of one drug and the preparation to begin a new one. And of course, I’ve been coping with rising pain levels for the past couple weeks, too. Nothing unmanageable but my activity is seriously arrested.

Oh, and my refrigerator has given out. I’m not entirely sure what’s wrong with it. It took me almost a week to figure out that yes, something was indeed wrong with the big cold box. This was a cause for concern because not only did my groceries go bad (oh, my pomegranate molasses! Oh, my Bragg’s aminos! Oh, my knock-off veganaise!) but I have to keep some of my prescriptions refrigerated. This particular stuff is nearly $500/month at my current dosage. Needless to say I can’t actually afford this medicine but my doctor loaded me up with samples because I guess the industry has now moved on and a new flashier drug is being used instead. Losing $3000 worth of injectable drugs was just – unthinkable. I’ve been without this medicine for several years and I’ve suffered every day because of it.

Anyway, the fridge’s fan motor was replaced yesterday evening and I thought everything would be back to normal by this morning – nope. The cold part is still not cold. It’s a dank, tepid box with some rotting wheat germ. Thankfully my neighbor has been storing my meds and so they should be OK but in the meantime I’m grumpy about the extra cost of food at the end of the month.

Everything will probably work out with the refrigerator sooner or later. The landlord seems to be taking this reasonably seriously (which is good!) but in the meantime I’m still freezing and thawing my meals and eating some cheap takeout.

So that’s what I’ve been occupied with this month. I added another couple hundred words to the New Book; Heartroad 2 hasn’t been touched in quite a while. Other writing projects are also gathering dust. But, um, I’ve been beading! Yeah, beads! So it’s almost like I’ve been productive. Let’s go with that.

Finally I can share the project I’ve been working so hard on for the last several weeks. I’m now offering hand bound copies of Loki devotional books in my Etsy shop.

These devotionals contain an English translation of both the Lokasenna from the Poetric Edda and Lokka Tattur (Loki’s Tale), a traditional ballad from the Faeroe Islands.

These are exceptionally lovely little books and they’re a genuine labor of love. If you would like a copy for yourself with larger font size, a different font face (including OpenDyslexia), or with a different decorative cover, then just use the custom listing.

I’m truly honored to be offering these little books to other devotional practitioners, especially other friends and lovers of Loki. In gratitude to Him for all He’s done and to celebrate the body of worshipers I’m part of, a portion of each sale of the Loki devotional book will be set into a fund that will help make discounted copies available from time to time.

I’m also now offering custom devotional books with *your* own content. This is the perfect way to collect prayers, hymns, petitions, short stories, and other content into a unique and beautiful volume. These collections can be placed on your altar, given as a special gift, or used as an offering (I can use natural paste if you wish to burn, bury, or drown your offering).

I look forward to creating many more of these special devotional books, so please share this post. If you’d like to see some more pictures of my hand made books and other items, please check out my other blog.

Earlier this week I received a coffee-scented Loki candle made by Beth (aka FiberWytch). It’s really lovely. The scent wafted out of the package and the wax actually exudes a nice warm, spicy, sweet scent just hanging out.
But of course, candles are made for burning! It’s wonderful. Beth makes some lovely soap as well as candles, so there’s really something for everyone.

Sometimes I’ll come across a book or TV show that strongly reminds me of certain aspects of spirit work. There are actually quite a few stories out there that people have found relatable to this particular path; some of them you may have heard of or ready yourself. These are some of mine. I’m always discovering new stories that really make me take notice. I sometimes even find moral lessons and teaching moments imparted in these stories; after all, the Work reveals itself.

Dokebi Bride: This manwa series (Korean comics) follows Sunbi, a young woman born into a shamanic family. Raised away from the people who could teach her how to manage her gifts, she struggles to make sense of the spirit world on her own. Quite by accident she finds herself engaged to a dokebi, a mischievous goblin-like spirit who helps her in her work – in his own way, of course. Sadly, the English translation of the series halted several years ago. I don’t know if we’ll ever get the end of the story or even if it was ever finished up in Korean.

xxxHolic: This is also a comic series that was originally published in Japanese. Though the manga has some great spirit work elements to it, it’s really the anime that made me pay attention. Watanuki is a young man with the ability to see spirits and energy. He’s quite alone in this and struggles to live normally. He takes up an apprenticeship with Yuuko, a witch with power over time and space. Yuuko teaches Watanuki how his powers work and what they mean for the way his life operates. This title isn’t seriously heavy on the spirit work theme and adult viewers might find a show designed for teens a little dull or obnoxious but there are some exceptional moments that really get to the heart of this life. Watanuki helping a tree spirit, meeting the kitsune, and getting instructed to take fairy tales seriously are some of the moments that really stand out in my mind.

The Sybil: This book by Pär Lagerkvist fell into my hands very much by accident. My Lord tugged me over to a shelf of used books for sale at the public library serving the rural community I grew up in and told me to buy it. I might have gone an entirely lifetime never discovering this book but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Lagerkvist is a remarkable writer, even in translation, and the narrative really hit me. The story is about a young woman selected to serve Apollo at Delphi. As she is instructed in service, she falls in love with a young man. Their growing love threatens her sacred role and eventually leads to tragedy. It’s a strange, not altogether uplifting story for the pagan soul but it highlights the conflicted and ambiguous emotional relationship that we share with the Powers we serve and love.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Yeah, this is on the list. This is probably the spirit work story I’ve spent the most time with (possibly because it’s the longest of any I’ve listed here). I find I like stories about people trying very hard to cope with the demands of an otherworldly life and the complexities of a highly mundane one; I also like stories about people’s in/ability to manage a sudden intrusion of the Other into the familiar. Buffy is a superhero but one that has to cope with high school (and later college), employment (and lack thereof), family, friends, a never-really-happy love life, and oh yeah, coming back from the dead. I’d also add Angel to this list but mostly because the human characters are decidedly in the minority, which is a circumstance I’m rather familiar with.

Anyway, there are a handful of other spirit work stories that I keep coming back to. When I remember them I’ll do another entry on this topic.

I’m teasing the followers of my craft blog with hints at a new project I’m just about ready to release.

Want to see more? I’ll be sharing more images on my craft blog, so follow that one if you haven’t yet.