For quite a while I’ve been wanting to write a little entry about the nature of the spiritual body and the weird and wonderful things that can happen to it. But every time I reach into my head for something clever and interesting to say on the subject I just get back a resounding, “Meh.”
How about I write about fear instead?
Around a year ago I began experiencing dizzy spells. They were infrequent enough that I couldn’t determine any particular pattern. They always felt the same and they were unlike other forms of dizziness experienced before. I’ve always been prone to motion sickness, I struggle with metabolic problems affecting my blood sugar levels, I live with migraines and frequent severe headaches; none of these things were like the dizziness I was experiencing. I simply endured these spells because nothing resolved them. I just had to wait them out even if it meant staying in bed all day, missing work, or neglecting my chores. The dizzy spells gradually got more frequent, longer lasting, and more severe. I decided they were a side effect from some potent medication – never mind that I’d been on the stuff for a good few years with no major problems (persistent and increasingly deafening tinnitus aside).
But then a couple months ago I took a tumble in public. A dizzy spell came up suddenly, grabbed me, and dropped me right to the ground. A couple days later I nearly fell in the kitchen; I vomited into the sink. Because the need was pressing, I sucked up what would be a $350 /hr clinic visit and talked to a prescriber. I got a new prescription, filled it, and started taking it. I’ve been steadfastly ignoring the dizzy spells eating at the edge of my consciousness for a few weeks now. One came when I was between medications. I told myself that my body was still detoxing from the other med – two weeks later.
The stuff I’m on now I’ve been on before and had no problems then except for some initial sleepiness. Dizziness is, however, a known side effect, albeit one I haven’t experienced before. So I’m telling myself that despite having been on this stuff for more than a week that maybe I’m just now experiencing this side effect. Maybe two dizzy spells in three days is just the meds – again. Right?
Nah. I need to stop being such a stubborn dipshit.
I’m being stubborn because I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ve done something to myself through all my medical meddling. I’m scared that my crumbling cervical spine is pinching nerves or something and that there’s simply no hope of correcting it. I’m scared that I’ll end up spending a lot of money on expensive tests and office visits and blood tests. I’m scared that I will have no answers, no solutions, no justification for my expensive efforts. I’m not scared of knowing; I’m intimidated by the process of getting to the knowing.
But see, there’s this other aspect to all this. I’m scared that energetic/spiritual changes are triggering these spells or that, perhaps, that they’re heralding some new big change that headed my way.
Heavy, wyrd-shaping energy work and spiritual action can impact the physical self – and major physical traumas and triumphs can impact the spiritual self. It’s just a thing that happens. It happens perhaps less than people might imagine and it tends to happen at a slow rate (or major incidents of change happen at wide intervals); however, there are certain periods that are rather like a spiritual adolescence; lots of cascading changes happen in a very short time to propel one into a new stage.
I’m not the person to attribute every hiccup of my embodied experience to spiritual goings-on; in fact, I’m generally pretty reluctant to make this connection. I prefer practical, direct, straightforward, simple explanations; sometimes those explanations happen to be spiritual or woo-flavored but generally not. In this case, I don’t actually get the feeling that there’s a connection; this feels very much a physical body thing that’s probably chemical or structural in nature. Though I’ll ask my preferred diviner about it, I’ll be asking my primary care doc about it first.
All that said, my life experiences don’t let me rule out this possibility. I have firsthand experience of just how profoundly spirit-side changes can affect the body; there are also quantifiable changes in the physical body that result from manipulating subtle energies. Like, I can point to a chart mapping the intensity of certain known biological responses and say yes, this response is now considerably more intense and not only does it feel different, it functions different.
Oh, and I was told that my eyes are getting paler. More people than usual have been doing double-takes so yeah, I guess I’ll concede this.
So that’s it. I have no answers right now and not even a firm idea about what’s causing these debilitating dizzy spells. I’m determined to pay off my current medical bills before going off to chase another one but given how many I have and how long it takes me to pay them, I’m not looking at the possibility of an appointment until, oh, September. That’s only if nothing else major happens in the meantime. In the meantime I guess I’ll just go back to pretending that this is all a perfectly normal way to live.